Nights of Insomnia Written in December 2011

So, last night, as I lay awake, I thought about dealing with depression. We are often unwilling to admit depression to other christians, because depression is not a "christian" thing. But, lets face it, it happens to even the best of christians. I'm reading a book my father-in-law lent me. It's called "Leading on Empty" by Wayne Cordeiro. It is for pastors dealing with ministerial burnout. Now, I may not be a pastor, but I have dealt with many of the problems associated with ministerial burnout. My fasther-in-law has gone through his own illness. He was in major need of a liver transplant earlier this year. When my husband explained to him what I was going through, he gave me this book to read. It was definitely an encouragment to me. One of the ways, you can deal with depression is by reading uplifting books on the subject. Now, if  your like me when I read about someone who has dealt with problems similar to mine and they have gone through never doubting God, I say liar! But, in looking back on your problem, a lot of times you realize how good God was to you. Don't forget depression is natural for those of us dealing with illness.

I'm Back

I'm back! So, it has been awhile since I've written anything on here. I have a lot of stuff written down on paper, but it was hard to post it at the time. Mostly, because when I'm going through something I already feel vulnerable enough without everyone else knowing about it.
Right now I am going through a reprieve. My reprieves tend to last from 1-4 months. In that time I feel much better. I still have to limit many of my activities or it can wipe me out for awhile. But, it is nice to feel up to making dinner more often. To take care of my husband almost as well as I've always wanted to. I still plan on talking about when I am most sick. (Seeing as that is what this blog's about.) It's just easier to talk about when I am not so sick. Thank you to those of you who have been an encouragement to me when I have been down.

My List of Symptoms

So I told you what the diagnosis for me was, but I never mentioned my list of symptoms. You might be wondering what is really wrong with me. I'll give you a run down of how I have felt in the last few weeks. First off, I have dealt with a migraine now for about 3 weeks. I have been naseous, sensitive to noise (moving the sheet is to noisy), light hurts my eyes, and every part of my body has a pounding sensation in it. I alternate between fevers and being so cold I can't stand it. I have always had a hard time getting warm, but the fevers are unique. They come and go as they please, and sometimes inside I'll be burning with fever, but my skin is cold to the touch. And nothing I take will break the fever, it just does its own thing. I always feel like throwing up, but I only do that when I have to take pain medication. I have extreme fatigue, insomnia, hypoglycemia, and asthma. The killer though is the weakness, I'm so weak I can't walk without almost falling over. Going the 10 feet from the couch to the bathroom, I have to use walls, furniture, and doors for support. Quite often I need my husband's help to get from a sitting or laying, to standing position. It's hard to hold a book to read, because it's too heavy. Then there is motion sickness, if I'm laying there and move to much, I get motion sickness. If I'm sitting and don't have a place to rest my head, motion sickness. Walking gives me motion sickness, and riding in a car makeds me wonder if I will puke before we stop. I don't drive if I can help it. My reflexes are very slow, and I feel to weak. During the last 3 weeks, I was up cleaning my house, preparing for the holidays, and visiting relatives. I had a food allergy reaction and was dealing with extreme cramps and diarrhea. I ended up taking a laxative to get over it quicker. My period intensifies every symptom I am experiencing at the time. But the real winner in the last few weeks was Saturday. I was trying to go from my bed to the living room to get something I had forgotten to bring in. I was laying down so getting up was a struggle anyways. In the 5-7 steps it takes to get from my bed to the vanity my legs gave out at least 7 times. While I was standing at the vanity using it and the wall for support, my husband, who was in the living room, noticed something was wrong. By the time he came in, I had used the wall to get to the 3 steps to the dresser. At that point he told me he would get whatever it was I needed. He helped me back to bed and even with his support I almost collapsed 3 times. By the time he half-dragged, half-supported me to be I was sobbing uncontrollably from the helplessness I felt. I feel very helpless most of the time. And if I forgot something in another room I tend to find something else to do. Not every day is as bad as all that. Some days are better, some days are worse. Some days I can't sit up at all that day, and some I sit in my rocking chair for most of the day. The severity and the symptoms are different every day. These are just some of my physical symptoms, but I deal with other things mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If you or a loved one is dealing with health problems please let me know. I would definitely add them to my daily prayer list. 

Daily Living with Chronic Illness

Every day is a struggle to ger up. Life isn't easy for a normal person, and it isn't easy for someone dealing with chronic illness. This isn't a blog to whine about my illness, but neither will I pretend everything is fine. It's not. I'm sick. What do you have? You may ask. What I know for sure is that I have Epstein-Barr and Adrenal Fatigue. No biggie, you may say. It's not cancer. Well, try living with cancer-like symptoms every day with no cure. This is serious, and many others are dealing with this on a daily basis. Family and friends may not be sympathetic, or don't care, or think that you should suck it up and deal with it. I can't and neither can many others. But there is hope. Even though I spend most every day unable to move from the couch, God has given me a few ministries. It might not be much in the eyes of others, but it's a way that I can still be useful. Sometimes my house doesn't get cleaned for a month. Yuck!! Sometimes I don't do laundry until my husband has no more clothes and has to wear dirty clothes to work. Disgusting!! Sometimes we only have dinner because my husband made it. Lazy Bum, you might say. Definitely not! I'm a perfectionist and every aspect of this kills me. Oftentimes I feel guilty, but God is using this to teach me something. Some of you may be feeling sorry for my husband. But don't tell him that, he might take off your head. He has been and is my greatest encourager. Whenever I feel guilty he tells me to knock it off. And, when I care to much  about what others think of my wifely abilities he says I'm doing exactly what he needs me to do. Every day he thanks me for being such a wonderful wife. I know, it still puzzles me too. But, I am thankful that God has taught my husband in 2 1/2 years what most men don't learn until 20-30 years of marriage. I'm not superwoman, and I am most definitely the weaker vessel.

My First Blog

Welcome to my new blog. I hope this will be a help and encouragement to you. I have dealt with chronic illness for 2 1/2 years. I know there are many others out there who have dealt with it for longer, but this is my take and journey on what I have gone through. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my notes. I hope you have a very, Merry Christmas!